Hi. My Name Is Philippe And I'm A Moron.

I wonder if there's a support group somewhere.

Leader: "So, Philippe, tell us how it all started."

Philippe: "Well, I guess I've always been annoying. I mean, at first I didn't really know that what I was doing was rude, stupid, and insensitive. I mean, I just went ahead and did what came naturally, you know?"

Leader: "I think we've all been there, haven't we?"

All (mumbled): "oh yeah..."

Philippe: "But eventually, I think it kind of clicked for me. Hey - the reason everyone around me looks pissed-off all the time may somehow be related to what I'm doing. Did that ever come as a shock."

Leader (with sympathy): "And what were you doing?"

Philippe (hesitating, then indignant): "You know, just normal stuff. Kicking the seat in front of me while I watched a movie. Pushing people just a little when I talked - you know, just so they knew it was me - talking on my phone six inches from the ear of the person beside me on the bus. Joining lines part way through. I mean, I didn't usually go all the way to the front! What do people expect?"

Leader: "And what did they expect?"

Philippe: "I don't know, man! But they expected something that wasn't natural, that's for sure. I even had a guy on the train glare at me when I was just eating a bag of chips - those really crunchy ones [making sound effects and chewing action]. Can you believe it? Eating! What could be more natural than eating? And he wanted me to stop. I couldn't believe it."

All (making sounds of disgust - several spit on floor)

Leader: "So what did you say to him?"

Philippe: "What can you say to someone who wants you to stop eating? If I don't eat, I'll die. It was him or me, so I stabbed him."

All (nodding approval)

Leader: "Well, maybe we'll touch on that in another session. But clearly it's important to you to be able to act freely."

Philippe: "Yeah, man. Freedom, man."

Leader: "So tell us a little about the music..."

Philippe: "Well, I've never had decent taste in music. I blame it on my parents. I mean, look at me - I'm an idiot. What do people expect?"

Leader: "Philippe, we're not here to put blame on anyone - we're here to take responsibility for our own choices, right?"

Philippe: "Right - so anyways, I can't help what I am. And so I've always had really bad taste... for a long time it was new wave. Then rap. Then techno... I didn't think it could get any more annoying than techno. Wow. And then I remember the first time I heard hip-hop, and I knew we would be together forever. That's about all I play any more." [starting to beat-box]

All (break into spontaneous freestyle mc'ing, primarily profanity with occasional references to money, rides, and ho's)
'
Leader: "Okay, everybody - rhyme therapy is after lunch... let's let Philippe go on..."

Philippe: "So, at first, I got an iPod. It was great. So white, you know? I liked to talk to everyone about how cool the design was."

All (nodding)

Philippe (pensive): "I listened normally for a while, but something was missing. Then I tried turning it up so that everyone around me could hear the cymbals. [eyes glaze over] It was a little better, but it still wasn't like the old days. You know, like the chips."

Leader: "So is that when you got the phone?"

Philippe: "No, it started with a boom-box. I used to carry it around all over, but it made the music sound too... you know, like real music. It wasn't right. And if I got tired of listening there wasn't anything else I could do with it. Turn it on, turn it off, turn it on again... I mean, after 5 or 6 hours in one day, the novelty of that starts to wear off, you know? Not completely, but just a little."

Leader: "You needed more variety?"

Philippe: "Yeah man - I can't help it, it's just the way I'm made. But then I discovered the phone... I could talk - as loud as I wanted. I could choose ring tones on the bus... I had one that had 420 different ring tones, and I used to choose a new one on the bus every day. It was so good. But when I started to play my tunes on my phone, I knew I hit on the sweet spot. I mean, it sounded like crap. Absolute crap! Even someone who liked the song would hate it sounding like that! And everybody hated it! It was like the I had the magic touch back, you know? So now I play it on the train every time I ride. I can't wait to get on, now. Sometimes I just get on to ride, even when I don't need to go anywhere. It's totally changed my world."

Leader: "Well, I guess that's why we're here. Everybody, let's thank Philippe for sharing."

All: "Thank you, Philippe."

Leader: "Okay, Jean-Marc, next time it's your turn..."