Does Anyone Else Find This Frightening?

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I Smell Like Soap

Soap-scented perfume.

Who thought this was a good idea? And what are the odds of so many things going wrong in the precise sequence needed to bring this idea to fruition?

1. Someone says, "hey, we should make perfume that smells like soap!" They don't just say this to themselves, but actually let other people hear them.
   
2. Someone else has the chance to say "you're fired" and, instead, says, "that's a great idea!". Something a little fishy going on there? I think we both know the answer to that one.
3. Some guys in the lab not only agree to the project, but put in the hours needed to create a "just like a nurse's hands" kind of vibe
4. A focus group somehow gives off the impression that, should a product like this be made available on the market, they would be sure to buy it - regularly, and in the largest sizes available
5. A finance committee believes that the fiscal security of their company would be well protected by more people smelling like soap
6. A marketing team finds a way to make it seem like a good idea ("everyone will think you're clean, even when you're not!")
7. No court, at civic, state, federal, or international level sees fit to side with justice
8. Perfume shop managers decide to clear some shelf space ("say, Emmet - maybe if we get rid of that stock of soap that we had that just hasn't been moving, we can make space for this hot new brand that smells like... soap!" - "Killer idea, Dean. High five!")

And here, we have two divergent paths.

1. The first, only mildly frightening - someone decides to buy it without ever having smelled it, likely based on the pretty colors on the box and perhaps the slide whistle (as in, "clean as...") thrown in to make it a "gift set"
2. The second, much more insidious - someone smells it, realizes it smells like soap, and decides to buy it anyways ("you know, baby, it really gets me going when you smell like grandma")

And finally, someone gains ownership of a bottle of this perfume, by legitimate or illicit means, puts it on for the first time (or... no, I don't even want to think about that) and decides that it would still be a pretty good idea to go outside.

It's just too crazy. If I hadn't smelled it myself, I would never have believed it. Does someone have some insight for me, here?!?

The Carrier

I have a carrier that I have used with the little chick since she was born - I strap her to my chest, and that way we can talk, she can see what I see, I can sing to her as we walk, and she can swing her legs and hold my hands. We both like it a lot.

But it has taken on a little bit of a different feel for me today.

On the way home from church I saw a woman with the same carrier. But she wasn't carrying a baby.

She was carrying a cat.

Now, to be fair, I'm not a cat guy. I'm not a pet guy at all, really... I guess I have all the companionship that I want from my friends and my family, and I don't need anything around that is going to is going to expect me to feed it and make my place dirty - the little chick and I do quite well on that front between the two of us. And yes, I can hear you cat people already... "but cats are very clean animals, blah, blah, blah". They get clean by licking themselves. Have you ever actually tried this? It may do the trick for a couple of days, but I have to tell you - after a week, everyone around you is going to be begging you to go back to the shower method. They leave hair where I don't want it. They walk on counters and tables. So, yeah, they're clean, compared to a horse or something (and you horse people can just keep it to yourselves... honestly!), but they're not really clean.

And you can also say what you want about them being independent and intelligent and whatever else, but I'm not buying it. I've been around cats. They never say anything funny. They never introduce me to a new band. They don't bring me snacks. They don't even show any kind of appreciation when I make some kind of effort and try to engage them in any kind of discussion. I'm not saying they're useless, but I would say that they are most useful when combined with teriyaki sauce and a deep-fryer.

And, while I'm on it, dogs are only marginally better. They're a little more interactive, I think, though in most cases "interaction" means jumping up on me, licking/sniffing me in places I'm not particularly interested in sharing, and acting as though I'm threatening their life with my very presence. Maybe they're worse, in fact, since cat people can at least leave their cats at home and pretend to be like normal people for an evening. Dog people? You invite them for dinner and they ask if they can bring the dog. Why in the world would you want a dog to come over for dinner? Have you ever seen a dog eat? Why would I want more of that? "Only if you promise that he'll spend at least half of the meal licking his crotch," I used to say. The only problem is, I have yet to have a dog owner pick up on the (subtle) sarcasm, and in every case but one they replied, "oh, no problem!". The other one wasn't sure and turned down the invitation.

In any case, if you speak about yourself as "mommy" in reference to your animal, show me a portrait with a pet in it, or tell me that Foo-foo is part of the family, laughter is about the best response you can hope to get from me.

So when I saw the woman with the cat strapped to her in a carrier, I naturally asked myself a few questions:

1. Was she perhaps drunk?
2. How surprised was she going to be when she got to where she was going and realized that she had left the baby at home with a saucer of chicken and liver meow mix?
3. Was the cat actually no longer alive? This one disturbed me so much that I only thought about it for 15 minutes before forcing myself to move on.
4. Where was she going that it would be useful to have a cat unable of propelling itself? Maybe a bbq?

I didn't get a picture. I had my camera there, but, in my experience, no one has less of a sense of humor than a pet-person who feels that their loyalty, values, and freedom to pursue their chosen lifestyle is being called into question. And I've tried the whole "we're not here to judge" thing, but, honestly, I just can't pull it off. As a matter of fact, I have already changed apartments and anticipate that I will get several death threats (3 from people I know, 2 from strangers is my best estimate) just for writing this post. But really!

Crazy Man Builds Pile Outside Of McDonalds

My first attempt at photojournalism. It does not bode well for my Pulitzer aspirations, I'm afraid.

When I was out a couple days ago, I saw this guy coming up to a tree outside a McDonald's in Geneva. He gathered up all the trash in the tree well, and then started to use a pair of scissors to dig through the grate to pull up branches, maybe some roots, and the garbage that was there.

He was frantic, and intense, digging like crazy. And it was cold - everyone around was in a winter coat, and my hands were cold taking these shots, but he was in shorts, a t-shirt, and dress shoes. In the end, he built his pile of trash and sticks, and found a straw to stick in the top like a flag. He then went into the restaurant, was there for about 3 minutes, and came out with a little more garbage. He put that with the rest, and then walked off.

I waited a while for him to come back, but either he didn't or it was after I got too cold to wait any longer. I figured maybe he was going to light it on fire, which is what I would have done, had I taken the trouble of collecting all that stuff on a cold day when I was so inappropriately dressed, but he didn't. I almost lit it on fire for him, but then decided that perhaps one questionable guy hanging around the McD's entrance was enough.

Performance art? Protest? Crazy guy? I have no idea. Pretty interesting, though.

She was pretty much unrelated to the digging-with-scissors guy. But I like the shot, and it was on the same day.

[EDIT] Troy has pointed out that, in fact, my crazy man appears to be a crazy woman. Does that make it better or worse? I don't know, but it goes a long ways towards explaining the lack of fire.

Training

I'm giving training tomorrow and Friday to a bunch of bankers.

The title of the training (prepared by someone else, I want to point out) is "Introduction to PMS".






I just can't tell you how much I love the acronyms my company chooses, and how proud I am to be associated with them.

Would You Like Fries With That?

This nice little collection of shell casings is in a cafe in Lugano that we sometimes grab a coffee at after lunch. They're on the floor by one of the tables.




I'm just going to go right ahead and let you draw your own conclusions.

The Wig

Denise was kind enough to bring her Nikon along and let me try it out in Calgary. I celebrated having a great DSLR with a fantastic lens in my hands by taking pictures of a wig on a mannequin. Oh well. I though it was pretty cool, if somewhat creepy.