There Are So Many

There are a lot of things that I don't get. And not just math things, either: why people who drive so slowly don't just take the bus, instead. Why stores and restaurants with two doors seem to like to keep one of them locked (they are trying to reduce their business by 50%?). Why people making signs don't bother to check their spelling.

But here's the one that's been getting me, lately: when I buy bagels (one of the things I'm enjoying about being back in Canada), and they say "sliced" on the bag, they only kind of are. I don't know if you've had these, so I'll try to describe it.

Imagine that you're holding an unsliced bagel in your hand, with your thumb on one side and forefinger on the other. Someone challenges you to slice it without moving your hands... and so you cut on one side until the knife comes up against your thumb and finger, then go from the other side, until the same thing happens. You're left with a bagel that's sliced about 80% of the way through (40% on each side) and you hand the knife back, with a look on your face like you tried to do one of those little wooden puzzles where you have to do something that looks impossible until you know how.

Only, it seems, no one knows how.

Now I would guess that, with the extensive popularity that bagels have enjoyed over the last however-many decades, there is some pretty significant technology that's been developed for them. There is for everything, right? And like in most industries, I suspect that the big companies have access to the best of that technology... I mean, those bagel guys must have the equivalent of nuclear-powered nano computers for bagels, whatever that might be.

But they can't figure out how to slice them all the way through.

I can understand not slicing the bagels - for people who really like their bagels whole. I've never met any of those people, but I'm not saying they're not out there, and I support them completely. I can also understand slicing the bagels, for people (like me) who like to have their bagels in two pieces. What I don't understand is partially slicing the bagels except for a strip down the middle that stays attached so that, to get them apart, you still need to slice them yourself.

There might be something to this that I'm just not getting... maybe they've had focus groups, and the feedback has come in that some people want to put things in the sides, kind of like Subway used to do, without having them touch in the middle. Or that they're going hiking or something with their bagels, and taking all the sandwich fixings with them; they don't want the bagel to separate during the hike, but like to have a little help to know where to slice when they find the appropriate blade on the old Swiss army knife.

Or maybe they need to have a baked-goods summit of some kind. I think that the hamburger bun people have done rather well... they leave a little bit so the buns aren't flying all over the bag, but they do it at the side so the buns don't just rip into pieces when you try to separate them. Can any of you UN-type people set up something like that?

In any case, this is making me hungry.

I'm going to go have a hamburger.