Good Bye

It's been kind of a tricky year.

I like Geneva... I like it a lot. Sure there are things that bother me: the language, mostly. The fact that I live, more or less, in a parking lot, frequently populated by people who take the "outdoor voice" concept to a bit of an extreme. Oh, and prices; but then, with store hours being what they are, that's not much of an issue.

But at the end of the year, I'm moving back to Calgary, and so it's added a distinct sense of season to my life that wouldn't otherwise be there.

It hit me, again, as I was wandering through Montreux a few weeks ago, from the train station to the concert hall to see Alicia Keys: this could be the last time I do this. The last time ever.

My last spring, last YAGS retreat, last birthday, last concert season... and the list goes on. Now, I know, it's not like I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, but still - it's tough.

I've always had trouble saying goodbye. I have tended to kind of shut myself off, to protect my heart, and to withdraw well in advance of the actual event. And I'm trying like crazy to change that now, to live here, and now, and to be open and available and vulnerable, but it's getting tougher.

My heart and my mind are starting to turn to Calgary. There are some wonderful, wonderful things that await me there... some I know, some I anticipate, and I'm sure there are many others of which I have no idea, yet. But I don't want it to keep me from still being able to experience my last fall, last winter, last vin chaud, last roast chestnuts, last fondue on Swiss soil. First or last, I don't want anything to get in the way of what I am living today - the people I love, the things I put my heart into, the things that I will see and do and know that will never be the same.