As I mentioned a while ago, I have been thinking about the primary motivations in my life. You know, usual, "hey, just woke up and I'm in the shower, may as well figure out what my life's about" kind of stuff. It's pretty easy for me to think about what I do - but the why can be harder to nail down. How much is self-serving? How much is altruistic?
I may say that I do something for love, when the reason I actually do it is so that someone will love me, will treat me like I want to be treated. I'm not doing that for love - I'm doing that to get attention, affection, or comfort for myself, which isn't wrong, but is certainly different, most notably in the focus of my gain rather than the gain of the one I'm loving. And I think it's worth recognizing. I guess I'm especially interested in what (or if) anything that truly motivates me is for something other than my own personal good.
I may as well kick off with the big one, and the one that probably anyone would list.
Love.
It has a lot of levels. The one that I think is the most beautiful in my life is my love for my daughter... it may be the purest thing about me. I am a firm - fervent - believer in the fact that I don't have her to make my life richer, though that is an unquestionable effect of her life. In most ways, I don't think of me having her at all.
She has me.
She has me to love her, to protect her, to teach her, to support her, to encourage her, to train her, to guide her, to empower her. And the equation of our love is very different than in a romantic relationship, or a friendship. What I want in a romantic love is a partnership, a shared balance of giving and taking. But with my daughter, what I want is for her to be free to take what she needs, without ever thinking of that balance. I don't want "she owes me" to be part of our emotional language together. Do I want her to love me? Unquestionably. But I want it to be because she chooses to love me, not because it's a condition of my love for her.
Still, I wonder - how much of what my love for her is, is pure love, just an intent to give and build into her with no view to my own ends? And how much is because I want her to reflect well on me, or to think or act or believe like me? And where is the line between my desire to "grow" her - as honorable as it may be - and a love that is an end to itself?
I think that this is a truly deep and beautiful thing, but not a pure one, not one that I can say is completely for her. It's for me, too.
More to come, but I wanted to get the ball rolling...
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3 comments:
Well put, Darryl. It is amazing how one's love for their family can be given without any demands or expectations of love in return, but how rewarding it is when that love does come back to you. It is incredible how giving love to family members does not divide your love quotient - it multiplies it. I still can't figure out how it happens, but overall in the grand scheme (if not from day to day sometimes) it does. I anxiously await part 2.
there's real wisdom here - thanks for sharing
Thanks. There is more to come, but I think it gets more complex, not easier, and I want to give it the attention it warrants.
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