Ah, the opening band - Spank Rock. I use the word "band" loosely, of course. It was one guy who played records, one guy who came out at the beginning to shout at us to get more excited or Spank Rock himself (themselves? it was not really clear) would never come out. I couldn't quite make out if it was a threat or a promise. There were two more guys who rapped okay (I guess? I'm not really well-qualified to judge that) and danced... well, marginally less okay. One of their girlfriends came out occasionally to shake her moneymaker, and there was another guy in a sailor shirt who just wandered around on stage taking pictures and video with a little camcorder.
There was precious little rocking, except when they played some RunDMC completely unadulterated. Nice, but hardly the making of a great show to play a record somebody else made 20 years ago. Is that all it takes to play Montreux, now? I need to get one of those application forms. Thankfully, there was also no spanking, which, I'm guessing from their lyrical content, was certainly not a foregone conclusion.
In case Spank Rock happens (it does turn out that he is one of the two featured rappers) upon my blog (and let's face it - if he's always this good, I'm guessing there aren't going to be a lot of pages coming up when he googles himself), I'm going to be charitable and give him a few hints for next time.
- If you have to tell people they're having a good time, they may not actually be having a good time. You can substitute "party" for "good time" if it makes it easier for you to relate to.
- Get rid of your warm-up guy. It's time to deal with the fact that, as an opening act, you don't get an opening act. It's cruel, but that's show business. And, frankly, he's setting the expectations just a little high.
- When people stop clapping before you leave the stage, it probably means that you shouldn't come out again and do an encore. And sending out the guy in the sailor shirt to put his arms in the air to get them to clap probably didn't help. Between you and I, it came off as a little desperate, and no one likes that.
- The yellow pants worked. I'd try to do more with the yellow pants.
That's all for now... I need to leave something for the Annual Concert Review....
9 comments:
Forget about the bands. How are you doing now? I'm so sorry to hear that you were sick. Did you make it home before starting to feel sick? Sounds like it wasn't worth a trip to Montreux this time. Do you have any more tickets there? Who all will you be seeing? (assuming you have more..)
Take care. Love ya.
Doing much better, thanks. Yeah, the drive was fine, I was feeling a bit off when I went to bed, but it only lasted about a day, thankfully. Not much fun.
And there are some more shows on tap... I saw Pink last night in Locarno, and am heading to Norah Jones and Seal next week, then Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah (whom I have not actually heard but have been told are great) and Bjork are the week after at Paleo. LOVE this season.
Yeah! YELLOW PANTS!!
Not for me, really, but I suppose if I decided to rap I wouldn't have much to lose...
Yellow pants might cover a multitude of sins, including rapping. Or they just might add to them.
Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes reportedly wrote:
"For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman over 30, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress."
Kind of hard to tell who's really losing out, there, isn't it?
No kidding. But the image of yellow pants always sort of stuck with me... a symbol of the ultimate low level some guy might sink to (I'm sure women have their equivalent. Care to enlighten me?). Seems to fit the situation with the spanky boy.
Then again, it's just fun to say "yellow pants" a few times, with feeling. And that's really the whole point of my musings on this subject.
Hmmm... the female equivalent of yellow pants?
I guess to find that, we would have to think about what the yellow pants really are, or, more precisely, why they are. From specific to principle, and back again, right?
So, yellow pants are likely:
1. Chosen, primarily, to attract attention and make the wearer stand out
2. Viable in some very specific situations or for some specific people (certain roles in a limited number of Broadway productions about the 60's, for example) but inappropriate in all others
3. Significantly less flattering than the wearer believes them to be
I think that, based on that, the answer is clear: the female equivalent of yellow pants is a tube top.
There are 15 women - worldwide - who can wear a tube top with aplomb. Yes, it will make you stand out, but not for the reasons you had hoped. And your friends will know something is wrong but may never be able to actually talk to you about it.
But honestly, they were the best part of that show...
I don't think a tube top is outrageous enough. Gross? Could be. But bizarre? Not really.
And I don't think yellow pants on a guy are EVER appropriate in any situation, unless directly attempting to look like an idiot, as you allude to in #1. But I would tweak #2 on those grounds.
But your principles are a good start. I think you're missing one though if you go by my standard of an old fat dude flirting with a waitress (bear with me, I'm having one of those wierd late-night futz-arounds and I really should be getting sleep)
#4: The person must be over 40, trying to look 21 and significantly sexy to the point of raunchy, and be somewhat overweight and out of shape. (#3 definitely applies, though we really can't figure out why they don't get it).
I get an image of, oh, Anna Nicole Smith. At her worst, with those creepy lips and teeth and red nails.
Or my high school spanish teacher. She was Dutch or something and a beautiful woman when she spoke english. But she married a Costa Rican and was determined to look and act like a Mexican soap opera diva. Perpetually major dark roots under bleach-blond, spiked hair, freakout red lips and nails, and a nyah-nyah-ing voice that was like those nails on a blackboard. My best friend and I called her "la brouha" - the witch. Now that's some serious yellow pants. [shudder]
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